Separating your feelings from others is going to be your pro-move.
We often emulate the caring person in our lives because we witnessed what their caring did – calmed down the angry or unpredictable person in the family.
And we often judge and avoid anger or conflict bc we FELT what it was like to receive it, but we cant avoid feeling anger because we are human. But we judge our anger as we judged the angry person’s expression of it.
We need to figure out our care and our anger setting. I often hear clients say, “ I don’t want to be like my mom or my dad bc they were angry or a pushover” or whatever. Sometimes our parents are terrible caregivers. Just happens in life. We might even know their back story; their parents were alchohoics etc. we see mom behave and we get why she did it, but still we felt bad bc of it. And then we shame ourselves if we start to feel something similar or act similar.
Let me tell you something. Even though we are all unique individuals, emotions often get expressed in common ways. So just bc you yell doesn’t mean you have the same shameful/hurtful anger as your father. Just because you sweep something under the rug doesn’t mean you are the doormat your mom was. Its time to learn what your feelings look like.
And to also separate the self judgment for having feelings like anger in the first place. Anger is a signal that something is not fitting for you. That someone crossed a boundary even one you didn’t express. Anger is our friend.
But pleasers are often put off by anger bc they lived in conflict in their households. They want to avoid anger bc its not a connecting emotion. That is correct. Its like hand up that says “stop right there” like a crossing guard.
I get pissed when I am on my way somewhere and the crossing guard walks slowly into the cross walk with her big ass Stop sign and hand up. But you know what…then I see the kids crossing the street and I am grateful she made me stop bc then the kids are safe. That is your anger. Your inner crossing guard.
The issue is that you weren’t allowed to let your crossing guard out as a kid. Maybe even as an adult depending on the family dynamics. So you decided, bc it was smart to make this decision, that you would mute your anger and then shame yourself for having it. You borrowed your fathers’ version of anger and made a general assessment about anger – its bad. It doesn’t feel good to receive it and I hate the person that has it. Oh, whoops, I became a person that feels anger – I must tamp it down. But your anger is yours. Its your personal crossing guard. And you need to start learning what its warning you about.