0.75x 1x 1.25x 1.5x 2x 0:0016:17 Unnecessary Apologies as a People Pleaser
We have all heard this before, “What would you do if you were not afraid?” Me? A ton of shit. But what would help me feel like I wasn’t so afraid – having SUPPORT and feeling like someone had my back.
The core belief of worry is – Am I okay? There are different types of worry – useful and unproductive. How do we help ourselves know the difference and unwind out of unproductive worry?
I almost cried in a session. I sat there listening to my client tell me how she said “no”. Her first “no”. This was the beginning of her confidence and trust building with herself. She could withstand the uncomfortableness and stand up for herself. Hallelujah
People pleasers are creative. They come up with all types of ways to say “I’m sorry.” They are so used to saying it that it just automatically shows up in their everyday interactions. I recently counted all the times and the different ways I brought in that dreaded “I’m sorry” into convos. You’d be amazed.
People pleasers don’t like anger. At least that is what they believe. Anger is both uncomfortable and it separates us from others. Something pleasers can’t tolerate. But what are we supposed to do when we feel anger? Because we will. We can’t escape it.
Decisions are way more challenging than I want them to be. Why? My typical play in life is to make sure there is little conflict with people. So not only do I worry how my decision will affect others, but I doubt my ability to even get the words out.
The feeling of trust is personal. We feel safe and relaxed around people we trust. But the experience of trust isn’t something we know intellectually. Its a felt sense. How do we learn to trust first ourselves, then others?
If you saw me as a teenager, you would not have believed I was a people pleaser. I was SO ANGRY. Inside. My friends voted me Most Likely to Give In as a senior superlative. Anger was powerful to me, but I had to keep it hidden. I had the belief – anger gets you nowhere.
My experience with boundaries used to be an intellectual understanding and a “should”. I sort of stated them when I was angry enough, but even then they still came out in this mumbled flimsy manner.